I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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