i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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