so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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