Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
