they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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