Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
