Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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