farters have to be the big spoon...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
