You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
