I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my phone needs a breathalizer
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When are your genitals available?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
