dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
