Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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