I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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