I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
