Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
