i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
