i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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