im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
