She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
