he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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