i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
