dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize