I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just had sex on a roof
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
