This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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