Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
