Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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