how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
