Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
