This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
