started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
