im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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