i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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