I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
