fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
