shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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