and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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