So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
