MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
