lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
