Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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