He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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