How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
