You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
