Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
