Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
