I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
