the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
