My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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