I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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