girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
