Need sex. Gaining weight.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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