Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
