Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
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He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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