I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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