I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
