It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
