She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
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Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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